Monday, March 21, 2005


The News 2009

America, 2009 -- In a stunning development, the United States has its new official religion.

The new "Faith-Based" Congress, having overturned the separation of Church and State in the United States and added "The God Amendments" to the Constitution, has for two years been struggling with the question of which Christian faith shall be the new officially sanctioned religion of the country.

The voting has most emphatically not gone as planned.

The Protestant coalition, originally considered the front-runners, were devastated by internal dissention between traditional Protestants on the one hand and Pentacostals, Baptists, and other "born again" faiths on the other. The Born-Agains' insistence that non-Born-Agains are not actually Christians perhaps understandably antagonized the latter.

Atheists, who are after all citizens and do get to vote in the national referendum, were upset by "The Hebrew Initiative" of the charismatic Catholics, which called for re-instituting "Separate But Equal" doctrines for Jews, calling for certain run-down areas inside large cities to be set aside for Jewish residents. So they threw their support behind the tiny extremist ecstatic group known as the Snake Handlers.

"It was just a joke at first, really," said a spokesatheist.

Mormons, whose claim to be the only home-grown religion at first seemed to give them an advantage, eventually threw their weight behind Catholocism in an effort to stymie the more aggressive Protestant groups. Faith-healing groups offered to support the taking of multiple wives if Mormons agreed to support laws requiring the Laying-On of Hands, so Mormons formed their improbable alliance with the Snake-Handling party also.

Frightened by a conservative Evangelical threat to have the Pope declared a devil in "The New America," and unsure of how a religion headed by a devil could receive equal treatment under the law, Catholics also shifted their endorsement to the Snake-handlers. This survived the announcement by Snake-Handler leader Alby "Venom-Breath" Fugstead that his group would have no objection to official protections for priest pedophilia.

For some time it looked inevitable that the Evangelical coalition would triumph in the referendum anyway, surviving the Falwell-Robertson schism--that is until the arch-conservative Reconstructionist component of the Evangelical Coalition made it known that it would militate for a sweeping overhaul of the nation's laws, seeking to place Leviticus over the Constitution. Leviticus calls for death by stoning for any number of sins and sinners, including people who won't barbecue in their back yards (that bit about the sacrifice of a bull making an "odor pleasing to the Lord").

It appears that the threat of numerous death penalties for various sins of cooking were too much for gourmet Protestants, and these defected in sufficient number in the referendum for the improbable result to occur:

The Snake-Handlers have won. Ecstatic Christian Snake-Handling is now the official religion of the United States.

All citizens will be required to handle poisonous serpents in an ecstasy of the Lord's protection, while singing hymns and "witnessing" aloud the Lord's triumphs.

If you do not have access to poisonous serpents, they will be provided for you.


Copyright 2005 by Michael C. Johnston
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